Some are “nice guys”, a term they hate. Innocent angel-like 'good as gold' persona which builds them a credible reputation yet they fail to reach their true potential due to their own self-doubt. Being “safe” and “secure” may be important. They’ll go out of their way to help others and may have a “knight in shining armour” complex and find themselves continually drawn to women who need rescuing.
Ultimately, since no one can actually “rescue” anyone else, the needy women will most likely use them and then dump them (and the cycle of feeling like a failure continues.) He fears them. He will choose a woman that has low or no self-esteem. He does this to preserve his fragile sense of importance.
But, either way, he will miss out on forming an intimate bond with his mate and live out his life in emotional isolation and deep loneliness. Zombified and gradually lose all interests in their hobbies and decide to do nothing with their lives. No matter what sacrifice you make or how many times you turn yourself inside out and relinquish the sanctity of your life, you cannot change a people who drain you. What you can do is begin to recognize your own value as an individual, to heal and move forward to lead the life that you deserve----filled with insight, creativity, compassion, joy and inner peace.
They are armored and detached, perhaps defensively or they become “pleasers” in adult relationships, not being able to say ‘no’ wanting a relationship so intense that the other person backs off. Alas, both types aren’t able to get the kind of emotional connection. They are afraid of intimacy on all levels; they are intensely vulnerable, and tend to be clingy and dependent. They oversensitive (about things real and imagined), overthinking everything and make avoidance the default position.
This piece is a helping hand, my and other ppl's collection, to help oneself after that nervous breakdown. I, having been one member of this group, want to share my findings (solutions that I found on my own). I think, I understand the challenges face by abusers/bullies & helpless victims; people who growing up desperately wanted to be normal; people with learning problems such as memorize facts, dropping words, spellings & grammar difficulties, maths and sports; organizational difficulties; people who are awkward and have dysfunctional behaviour etc...
If you don't feel like reading everything today, that is fine, you don't have to finish it, take only these 5 lessons:-
- Honouring and allow people the space to find their own way (suppressing it only makes matters worse)
- Keeping up your personal growth work (have the courage to become the person you've always wanted to be)
- Identify where you are not being truthful in your life (No 'Little White Lies' & Make a distinction between the problem and the person)
- Understand and smile at the failure. Being grateful.
- Get the Real Power Back and Fly more Positively than ever before.
Firstly, before we start, it will be good if you take the word "anger" out of your vocabulary and think in terms of fear, hurt or frustration.
Now think of someone who you love but who has always hurt you deeply. If this person were suddenly gone tomorrow, what would wish you had had the courage to say? while imagining talking to that person begin your statement with: "I wish I had the courage to tell you...."
Maybe your mother was flawless, but it's more likely she made mistakes. Whatever her errors, you inherited a legacy of sorrow. You can and should find a way to heal what is call the "mother wound." it can be feeling of unloved, needy, stupid and helpless. If none of these feelings are familiar to you, it's a sure sign that you've been very well mothered.
We expect the world of them, and we do not wish to lower our expectations. We want our parents to embrace us, to tell us they know we were good children, to take back their hurtful criticisms, to give us their praise, to undo the favouritism they've shown to a brother or sister. Once you're feeling that pain or emotion, try and connect it to your past to uncover where that pattern of pain began. Now you need to forgive your parents and let them in again. Strange as it may seem, a grudge is a kind of clinging, a way of not separating, and when we hold a grudge against a parent, we are clinging not just to the parent, but more specifically to the bad part of the parent. It is important to separate from our parent—which is to stop seeing ourselves as children who depend on them for our emotional well-being, to stop being their victims, to recognize that we are adults with some capacity to shape our own lives and the responsibility to do so.
Along the way, we may have to express our protest, we may have to be angry and resentful, we may even have to punish our parents by holding a grudge. But when we get there, the forgiveness we achieve will be a forgiveness worth having.
My favourite strategy for this is to find another mother (not my girlfriend but divide it among my trusted friends--- i call them my support base system). a perfect mother is anyone who makes you feel nourished by making me feel accepted as I am; who is willing to explains so that I can understand & learn from by following their example; empowers me with courage, confidence and independence.
Along with eating the right food and getting enough exercise, meditation is a powerful way to bring well-being and stress-free life. Writing can be very therapeutic and doesn't need to be shared with anyone to have powerful effects. If you're feeling upset, nothing beats walking away. Identify stress triggers, organise yourself, get proper sleep and learn to say NO. The key to handling your stress and your bodies' reaction to stress is self-management and mini-relaxations. A few minutes of alone time can save your sanity. Use it when your attention is scattered. It will bring you back to a calm state and allow your brain to function normally.
Even the ordinary activities of daily life can be times of meditation when you free yourself from the strictures of habit and the tendency to be only half-alive. Sometimes you will tap into a wellspring of peace. Other times you might feel waves of sleepiness, boredom, anxiety, anger or sadness. Images may arise, old songs might replay, long-buried memories can surface. If your mind wanders, don't be concerned. we can be flooded with memories, plans or random thinking. It's important not to blame yourself. Notice that you don't invite your thoughts. Thoughts come and go without our volition, but we don't have to be ruled by them.
Success in meditation is measured not in terms of whatever may be happening, but rather how we are relating to what is happening. If you feel overwhelmed by thoughts or feelings, use awareness of your breath to anchor your attention to your body. Notice whatever has captured your attention, then let go of the thought or feeling, and return to the awareness of the breath. In this way, meditation teaches us gentleness and an ability to forgive our mistakes in life and to go on.
How Self-Esteem is Damaged
Some parents inadvertently diminish their children’s self-esteem by interfering with or belittling their signals for interest and enjoyment. This triggers the automatic, built-in response of shame, and shame erodes self-esteem.
Often its both the parents and children have a variety of troubles related to a poor sense of self and self-esteem. The adults in these families often don’t understand how feelings and emotions work. The family ends up in a toxic situation because there is a mismatch between the child’s expression of emotional needs and the parent’s ability to respond appropriately. Often, then, the children fail to develop a solid sense of self—who they are, what they like and don’t like, a confidence in their perceptions and feelings, and so on. The resulting tension that develops between parent and child can contribute to the erosion of his self-esteem. The child may become angry, defensive, intolerant, and inflexible, or withdrawn, self-destructive, envious, and fearful. In fact, a whole variety of the less pleasing personality traits can be directly attributed to a person’s lack of belief in his own essential worth. Think bully. Think timid. Think depressed, depleted, and drained. These different qualities result, in part, from a lack of self-esteem.
When a baby cries, or fusses, or coos, she expects you to react with as much enthusiasm or distress as she does about what is happening to her. What parents sometimes forget is that to babies those reactions of distress are proportional to the situation. Not being able to get a hold of a ball that rolled into a corner is terrible! And your baby wants you to pay attention to him when he announces it in no uncertain terms. He finds himself incapable of righting the situation himself—no matter what he does, he’ll never be able to reach the ball. Talk about frustration! So he asks for your help in the only way he can—by making a scene. If that doesn’t elicit your sympathy and attention, if you don’t respond and help your baby out of his distress, he will begin to think that his problems don’t really matter, how he feels doesn’t count. Instead, if you take the opportunity to pay attention, validating and confirming his feelings and perceptions, you will help your child become confident.
Provide Reward and Praise
Along with paying attention, reward and praise from you are essential to child’s self-esteem. You must never forget how much your child wants to be like you and to be liked by you. Kids need to hear that you approve of them and think they are wonderful. They long to see the “gleam in your eye” that signals love and approval. You can’t assume they know how you feel. They don’t. They need to be told, over and over and over. In the long run, reward and praise tend to be better and healthier motivators than fear and shame. Of course, whenever you’re dealing with behavior, it is also important to explain to the child the pros and cons, the reasons and rationales, for whatever issue is at stake.
If a child perceives the world as threatening or dangerous, it is almost impossible for her to feel brave and strong, to know that she can make her way through it successfully. But when you respond to your child’s negative signals of distress and anger by allowing expression of the signals and then removing the triggers, you have begun to give her the tools to deal with the world. When it comes to feeling confident, nothing helps a helpless baby like knowing she can depend on you to shield her from danger and distress.
Theory of Our Defence Mechanisms
Healthy persons normally use different defences throughout life. An ego defence mechanism becomes pathological only when its persistent use leads to maladaptive behaviour such that the physical and/or mental health of the individual is adversely affected. The purpose of the Ego Defence Mechanisms is to protect the mind/self/ego from anxiety, social sanctions or to provide a refuge from a situation with which one cannot currently cope. Borderline personality organization develops when the child cannot integrate positive and negative mental objects together.
In the ego, there are two ongoing processes. First, there is the conscious secondary process, where strong boundaries are set and thoughts must be organized in a coherent way. By contrast, there is the unconscious primary process, where the thoughts are not organized in a coherent way, the feelings can shift, contradictions are not in conflict or are just not perceived that way, and condensations arise. There is no logic and no time line. Lust is important for this process.
- Psychotic defences (i.e. psychotic denial, Distortion, delusional projection)
- Immature defences (i.e. fantasy, projection, Somatisation, passive aggression, acting out, Idealization)
- Neurotic defences (i.e. Isolation, intellectualization, reaction formation, dissociation, displacement, repression, Regression, Rationalization)
- Mature defences (i.e. humour, sublimation, suppression, altruism, anticipation, Identification, Introjections)
Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening; arguing against an anxiety-provoking stimulus by stating it doesn't exist; resolution of emotional conflict and reduction of anxiety by refusing to perceive or consciously acknowledge the more unpleasant aspects of external reality.
Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.
Delusional Projection: Grossly frank delusions about external reality, usually of a persecutory nature.
Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one's own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hyper vigilance to external danger, and "injustice collecting". It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other.
Somatisation: The transformation of negative feelings towards others into negative feelings toward self, pain, illness, and anxiety.
Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively.
Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse in action, without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behavior.
Idealization: Unconsciously choosing to perceive another individual as having more positive qualities than he or she may actually have.
Displacement: Defence mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening. For example, a mother may yell at her child because she is angry with her husband.
Dissociation: Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.
Isolation: Separation of feelings from ideas and events, for example, describing a murder with graphic details with no emotional response.
Intellectualization: A form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects (e.g. Isolation, Rationalization, Ritual, Undoing, Compensation, Magical thinking).
Reaction Formation: Converting unconscious wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous into their opposites; behaviour that is completely the opposite of what one really wants or feels; taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety. This defence can work effectively for coping in the short term, but will eventually break down.
Repression: Process of pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naivety, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.
Regression: Temporary reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.
Rationalization: Where a person convinces him or herself that no wrong was done and that all is or was all right through faulty and false reasoning. An indicator of this defence mechanism can be seen socially as the formulation of convenient excuses.
Altruism: Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction
Anticipation: Realistic planning for future discomfort
Humour: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humour, which explores the absurdity inherent in any event, enables someone to "call a spade a spade", while "wit" is a form of displacement (see above under Category 3). Wit refers to the serious or distressing in a humorous way, rather than disarming it; the thoughts remain distressing, but they are "skirted round" by witticism.
Identification: The unconscious modelling of one's self upon another person's character and behaviour.
Introjections: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person.
Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behaviour, or emotion.
Suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; making it possible to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions while accepting them.}