"If we take the time to heal oneself than we mirror the change we want to see." ~ Koelle Simpson
Often I think we with mental illnesses already feel guilty enough, and we are not responsible for our own suffering. ~ Beth Booth.
"There is a common myth in society that we have to earn or prove our worth by ticking off a certain number of external achievements — like having a large house, successful career, impressive partner and acceptable body shape. The truth is your worth is innate — you were born enough. You are a changing as a person from who you were so leave the past but your true inner self is of divine origins and you can never be anything less than that. You did not come here to prove — you came here to play and laugh and love and learn and express and rise and create your wildest dreams. Replace self-criticism with praise and acknowledge, and not only will your confidence grow, but you will blossom into your full potential, because flowers bloom best with nourishment and love, not judgment."
Our prolonged heightened ‘peak’ experiences can have an unbalancing effect, making us tired and restless during the day and trouble sleeping at night. As we age, our bodies change. These changes impact the length and quality of our sleep. As we age, our bodies secrete less of two important sleep hormones: melatonin and growth hormone. Without good sleep, brain functions 40% less at work and increases depression, anxiety and obesity. You are also unfocused and forgetful. You not only lose control over your mood but also the ability to pay attention, solve problems and be creative. It becomes dangerous for everyone on the road since it gets hard to remain alert and responsive (especially, like me, if you have to ride a bike to get to work).
Is it really right that burnout and related mental health issues are seen as the inevitable price that we pay for doing inspired work? The desire to stay in this race leads many to work longer and harder, often at the cost of other aspects of their well-being. It is easy to overextend ourselves and people can take advantage of it. Unsustainable work practices and poor working conditions are a significant part of the overall viability of the profession into the future. We suffer and sacrifice leisure time for competitive desire or conformity work culture or fear of not being viewed as a team player. We give up our today to meet ever moving goalposts, in the hope that one day, we will start my own practice. We should also be more careful when pursuing things we imagine will spare us anxiety. We can pursue them by all means, but for reasons other than for some fantasies. We will still be anxious when we finally have the house, the love affair and the money. Growing aspirations for more expensive lifestyles, reflected in rapidly increasing house prices, are dominating some people’s lives. We become habituated to the stresses and pressures, perhaps until a health problem forces us to consider alternatives. Self-sabotage happens from energy-draining internal discord.
I have to regularly practice how to be child-like open and curious so that I can progress in personal and professional life (inner child be healthy and my mentor), but also when to not get affected by the negativity from inner protective parent or childhood memory triggers, that fuel intense feelings of regret, anxiety, fear, despair, and anger. As they say Love the child you have, not the child you wish you had. It can be difficult not to become overwhelmed by negativity. The aim is to bring harmony and self-nurture.
To do that I have to regularly built the habit of checking and approving my own feelings with love in order to strengthen my self-esteem. Anxiety, stress, and worry are all part of what makes us human. They be vital clues that a health issue, relationship or other important matter needs attention. Unpleasant feelings are just as crucial as the enjoyable ones in helping you make sense of life's ups and downs. It is not who you are. It isn’t the emotions themselves causing me to suffer—it’s my own judgment of those emotions.
Strategic survival has many styles: bullying is one; others include keeping your head down, becoming a charming bumbler, or keeping an in-congruently unruffled smile in place. The prevalence of institutionalised abuse is finally emerging to public scrutiny, but the effects of normalised parental neglect are more widespread and much less obvious.
The psychological impact of these formative years, to survive both the loss of his family and the demands of boarding school culture, leaves them ill-prepared for relationships in the adult world. Prematurely separated from home and family, from love and touch, they must speedily reinvent themselves as self-reliant pseudo-adults.
As children they learn to survive boarding by cutting off their feelings and constructing a defensively organised self that severely limits their later lives. They must not look unhappy, childish or foolish – in any way vulnerable – or they will be bullied by their peers. So they learn to dissociate from their feelings, project them out on to others, and develop duplicitous personalities.
They are particularly deficient in non-rational skills needed to sustain relationships. In short, you cannot make good decisions without emotional information; nor see the big picture if your brain has been fed on a strict diet of rationality. Paradoxically, they then struggle to properly mature, since the child who was not allowed to grow up organically gets stranded, as it were, inside them.
In consequence, an abandoned child complex within such adults ends up running the show. The boarding child survives, but takes into adulthood a permanent unconscious anxiety. This anachronistic entitlement cannot easily be renounced: it compensates for years without love, touch or family, for a personality under stress, for the lack of emotional, relational and sexual maturation.
They can talk about the nation, but not of belonging to it. They cannot conceive of communal solutions, because they haven't had enough belonging at home to understand what it means. To change our society, we'll have to change our education system. But can we really afford this to continue?
Wounded Leaders by Nick Duffell
My Driver of Anxiety is due being stuck in a negative cycle, fighting with myself, instead of Doing & then moving on. Being a highly sensitive person who is a new empath may sometimes seem like a burden, but it is actually a great gift. You are able to experience the zest and zeal of life to a high degree and one that many other people will struggle to attain.
Too many people feel like they need to work harder when they struggle to focus. But this strategy is likely to backfire. When anxiety occurs, unconsciously, the mind keeps working without resting and defence mechanisms are automatically triggered (directly builds up hostility and aggressiveness behaviour). When you cannot flee or flight, one may just freeze, feel dizziness and have sleep issues. If you had 4 or 5 hours of sleep, then you need 2 weeks of good sleep to recover.
'When we can’t focus at work because of distractions, it may lead us to feel stressed about not being productive, which then causes us to focus less, further feeding the cycle. Persistent anxiety can be rooted from real (e.g. dog-bites) or unconscious fear even if there is no danger.
"If you pay attention to the darkness, you will never find the light."
Positive stimuli is more common, however, human brain has a bias to command more attention to negative stimuli as its easier and grows faster. Most people see themselves as different, not in some positive or special way, but in a negative sense. Even people who seem well-adjusted and well-liked in their social circles have deep-seated feelings of being an outcast or a fraud. This feeling about ourselves is common.
Empathy, understanding, acceptance, and unconditional positive regard are all necessary but not sufficient. Just by showing gratitude for your abilities, you can aid the rejuvenation process. You need to learn to grow self-compassion in order to be able to be kind. Becoming your own best friend and doing what a best friend would do, when facing your inner critic. You must develop real Courage and Kindness to the areas that are in pain, caring for yourself as you would care for a small child i.e having true confidence, humility and consideration for others. As they say Love the child you have, not the child you wish you had.
How we react to events is far more important than what actually happens to us. It can be difficult not to become overwhelmed by negativity that fuel intense feelings of regret, anxiety, fear, despair, and anger. It isn’t the emotions themselves causing me to suffer—it’s my own judgment of those emotions. The mood is no sign that our lives have gone wrong, merely that we are alive. Your peace and your joy are products of your own making; while you may feel the world like nobody else, you are also capable of managing it.
You have a choice of either not learning and repeating this pattern, which will only get worse or you can slowly overcome it in time if you understand and learn how to keep your mind healthy. Trust (Faith) that what you are experiencing right now is absolutely perfect for your growth. Believe in yourself that you can can take charge of your life, and practice practice practice. New behaviour becomes new thought patterns which can eventually become the dominant pathway. It takes 21 days to make a habit. 3 months to make a lifestyle.
Go through a quick question and answer session to see if there is something that can be done and then do it. Identification is the key here – working out what the thought is trying to tell you and where it came from is a sure fire way to either own it or dispel it. When you see the fears as separate from you, not part of you, this makes it easier to let them go.
Ask yourself what the emotion is trying to tell you – perhaps you feel something is missing from your life in the present moment or maybe you find another person’s behavior unacceptable. Once you have worked out whose feeling it is and where it came from, you can begin a dialogue in your mind to find a solution.
The way to developing and changing yourself and other is by following these steps:-
There comes a time when, one by one, all your friends leave and go on to build their own family in different places. Without a support base of family or friends, the stress got the better of me. Slowly, you are only busy with work and there are no longer any friends around. Depression leads to uncontrollable anxiety, insecurity, lack of confidence and procrastination. This energy, life-sucking condition has its stronghold on people like us.
When depression and anxiety come to the surface and you can learn to overcome it by giving attention to root cause. Being heard, seen and witnessed by another person can be incredibly healing. Talking out the situation with a friend or therapist allows you to voice and dispel the negativity. Catharsis happens when you let yourself feel the emotions at their most vivid – crying when sad, laughing when happy, and screaming when angry. Just having positive experiences is not enough. They pass through the brain like water through a sieve.
One way to resolve deep resentments, bubbling under the surface, since the time you are 4 years to 7 years old, is to by going through this process: You have to close your eyes and imagine that your childhood self was on the other side of an imaginary door. Then you have open the door and walk to meet that memory of your child self. Then you have to try to talk to your child self with love. As they say Love the child you have, not the child you wish you had. First time I tried, I failed to talk to my child self. Then I came back home and slept on it. I then started thinking why this simple task was so difficult for me.
Good parenting comes from nurturing rather than a critical place which inspires disobedience. Children who live in houses, where they see parents verbally abusing each other because of money feel scared and need reassurance. Children who were made to feel unlovable can carry that pain throughout their lives, and into every relationship. They are armored and detached, perhaps defensively or they become “pleasers” in adult relationships, not being able to say ‘no’ wanting a relationship so intense that the other person backs off. Alas, both types aren’t able to get the kind of emotional connection. They are afraid of intimacy on all levels; they are intensely vulnerable, and tend to be clingy and dependent. They oversensitive (about things real and imagined), overthinking everything and make avoidance the default position.
It is important to separate from our parent—which is to stop seeing ourselves as children who depend on them for our emotional well-being, to stop being their victims, to recognize that we are adults with some capacity to shape our own lives and the responsibility to do so. Many of our current issues, have its roots hidden in our early childhood. Most of us have two sides. The anti-self is expressed in our inner self-hating coach of negativity. Avoiding, denying or hiding the reality just makes it worse.
We generally forget that there is a valuable, worthy human being behind the inappropriate behavior. When we are focused on only treating behavior, we may be quick to dole out punishments or use shaming tactics to gain compliance. Shame has long been wielded as a powerful tool to modify a child’s behavior. When made to feel unworthy, children will usually try harder to please their parents, giving the illusion that it’s “working,” but those feelings of worthlessness cause deep scars which can take a lifetime to heal.
Children who were compared with other children because they didn't get good marks in school sometimes grow up feeling that they are “fooling people” and express fear that they’ll be “found out” when they enjoy success in the world. The devil on their shoulders convincing them that they don't measure up. The maternal voice in their head will continue to undermine them, telling them that they aren't — smart, beautiful, kind, loving, worthy. Shame causes people to withdraw from relationships, to become isolated, and they compensate for deep feelings of shame with attitudes of superiority, bullying, self-deprecation, or obsessive perfectionism. When shame has been severe, it can contribute to mental illness.
We expect the world from people we love, and we do not wish to lower our expectations. We want our parents to embrace us, to tell us they know we were good children, to take back their hurtful criticisms, to give us their praise, to undo the favouritism they've shown to a brother or sister. Once you're feeling that pain or emotion, try and connect it to your past to uncover where that pattern of pain began. You are not your thoughts. You are the Observer of your thoughts. Realise that.
Now you need to forgive your parents and let them in again. Strange as it may seem, a grudge is a kind of clinging, a way of not separating, and when we hold a grudge against a parent, we are clinging not just to the parent, but more specifically to the bad part of the parent. Along the way, we may have to express our protest, we may have to be angry and resentful, we may even have to punish our parents by holding a grudge. But when we get there, the forgiveness we achieve will be a forgiveness worth having.
Active ELEMENT Meditation Exercises
(strengthen self-regulatory capacities)
- Recall that negative childhood memory. Visualise the incident.
- Personify by Imagine that negative childhood memory as Monster.
- Record that image by writing or drawing
If your life is a ship then the Captain of the ship is the thinking part of the brain, which has only 30% max capacity. The rest of the 70% is your subconscious part of your mind, which is the team member helping you to run the ship. When the Captain is not competent, then your team members will sabotage your ship and your power. You have to learn to be a good Captain so that your team will work with you and not against you to run the ship in the right direction.
This things happens to everybody in life but we should learn how to manage our negative subconscious. This issues can arise in any stage of your life but how it manifest may differ. If we fight with our team we will only end up injuring the ship, since both the hero & villain are within us, so we cannot fight with ourselves. The inner conflict is due to negative learning/messages by our subconscious that was formed by experiences, like shame or fear etc, when we were 3 to 7 years old. We have to learn how to unlearn the negative childhood lessons.
To do good work you must be able to go into your Zone. You will not be able do that when you fail to handle the early negative learning/messages in your subconscious which is projected out of you bad habits & behaviours (e.g pricking skin, biting nails, spending/shopping & even if you are an overachiever who cannot enjoy your success but keep jumping into more work).
Here are some Needs of your hungry sub-conscious which when addressed that can help you to Stop going into fear-mode:
- Group-1: Internal desired needs to provide to your (overt) hungry sub-conscious (to grow positively in life):
- Future Certainty: food, clean water, safe shelter
- Variety: some variety brings the spark back into your eyes, too much variety make life dangerous
- Significant Work: some two-person collaborations from time-to-time with people who are not your boss/senior
- Love & Connections: with people who you mostly don't need to make happy & who make you happy
- Group-2: External desired needs to provide to your (hidden) hungry sub-conscious in order to find happiness in life):
6. Contributing (through social organizations)
- sacred Earth (Grounding Yourself like long roots & opening your senses to touch): Meditation through dancing-Movement during the day. There is a decline of 7-10% of O2 in blood after 12 days of sudden inactivity, 14-15% after 50 days, and 16-18% after 80 days.
- sacred Water (Receiving the pure Grace): Meditation while immersing yourself in water (Snana) preferably just before sun rise - liberation
- sacred Fire (Cleaning the mind & receiving security): narrate your problems near relentless fire (Agni) - "sacrifice, devotion, worship, offering"
- sacred Air (Connects the core of your brain to wellspring of God): focusing on your breath for a few minutes. Twenty Breathing exercise - breathe in for 5 seconds. Hold the breath for 3 seconds. Breathe out for 7 seconds
It's important not to blame yourself as this is a process of self-healing.