Things Not to Say to a depressed person:
One particularly ridiculous subset of this, however, is the tendency to try to steer people away from mental illness (as though it were a choice) by telling them the ways in which they are making or will make themselves physically sick (as though it’s the only kind of sickness that really matters). The implicit assumption these sentiments come from is that a person with a mental illness is hurting themselves for the sake of sustaining their mental illness, rather than the truth — which is that mental illnesses hurt people because they are illnesses. Illnesses are illnesses, not choices. The physical aspects of my conditions are part and parcel of being sick, and I sometimes get particularly scared. Often I think we with mental illnesses already feel guilty enough, and we are not responsible for our own suffering. - Beth Booth. The best thing you can do for your sensitive child is to create a home atmosphere that is soothing and accepting. Here are a number of ways to do this:
“Every day in a hundred ways our children ask, “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter?” Their behaviour often reflects our response.” L.R.Knost What is Good Connection & Attachment?
Self-compassionate experience is hard for many due to internalized feelings of unworthiness and self-criticism. You have a hard time trusting that someone can really love you when you have never experienced true and unconditional acceptance. Their inability to truly connect with, can leave you disconnected from yourself. Because your "needs" have gone unmet, you are hyper-focused or over-analyse situations with your partner, and you are unable to feel safe and feel nobody understands the real you. How Self-Esteem is Damaged: Some parents inadvertently diminish their children’s self-esteem by interfering with or belittling their signals for interest and enjoyment. This triggers the automatic, built-in response of shame, and shame erodes self-esteem. Often it's both the parents and children have a variety of troubles related to a poor sense of self and self-esteem. The adults in these families often don’t understand how feelings and emotions work. The family ends up in a toxic situation because there is a mismatch between the child’s expression of emotional needs and the parent’s ability to respond appropriately. Often, then, the children fail to develop a solid sense of self—who they are, what they like and don’t like, a confidence in their perceptions and feelings, and so on. The resulting tension that develops between parent and child can contribute to the erosion of his self-esteem. The child may become angry, defensive, intolerant, and inflexible, or withdrawn, self-destructive, envious, and fearful. In fact, a whole variety of the less pleasing personality traits can be directly attributed to a person’s lack of belief in his own essential worth. Think bully. Think timid. Think depressed, depleted, and drained. These different qualities result, in part, from a lack of self-esteem. When a baby cries, or fusses, or coos, she expects you to react with as much enthusiasm or distress as she does about what is happening to her. What parents sometimes forget is that to babies those reactions of distress are proportional to the situation. Not being able to get a hold of a ball that rolled into a corner is terrible! And your baby wants you to pay attention to him when he announces it in no uncertain terms. He finds himself incapable of righting the situation himself—no matter what he does, he’ll never be able to reach the ball. Talk about frustration! So he asks for your help in the only way he can—by making a scene. If that doesn’t elicit your sympathy and attention, if you don’t respond and help your baby out of his distress, he will begin to think that his problems don’t really matter, how he feels doesn’t count. Instead, if you take the opportunity to pay attention, validating and confirming his feelings and perceptions, you will help your child become confident. Provide Reward and Praise: Along with paying attention, reward and praise from you are essential to child’s self-esteem. You must never forget how much your child wants to be like you and to be liked by you. Kids need to hear that you approve of them and think they are wonderful. They long to see the “gleam in your eye” that signals love and approval. You can’t assume they know how you feel. They don’t. They need to be told, over and over and over. In the long run, reward and praise tend to be better and healthier motivators than fear and shame. Of course, whenever you’re dealing with behavior, it is also important to explain to the child the pros and cons, the reasons and rationales, for whatever issue is at stake. Offer Protection: If a child perceives the world as threatening or dangerous, it is almost impossible for her to feel brave and strong, to know that she can make her way through it successfully. But when you respond to your child’s negative signals of distress and anger by allowing expression of the signals and then removing the triggers, you have begun to give her the tools to deal with the world. When it comes to feeling confident, nothing helps a helpless baby like knowing she can depend on you to shield her from danger and distress. "He has the ability, if he just tried harder, he could do it. He chooses not to do the work." Learning disabilities are caused by neurological impairments not character flaws. People growing up with a learning disability often feel a sense of shame. These individuals were frequently written off as being unable to learn, and most passed through the school system without acquiring basic academic skills. Rather than risk being labelled as stupid or accused of being lazy, some adults deny their learning disability as a defence mechanism. Internalized negative labels of stupidity and incompetence usually result in a poor self concept and lack of self confidence. All learning disabilities are not the same or Dyslexia. The truth is with proper recognition, intervention and lots of hard work, children and adults with learning disabilities can learn and succeed! The same disabilities that interfere with reading, writing, and arithmetic also will interfere with sports, family life, and getting along with friends. Some terms related to learning disabilities:
Too often, difficult children are incorrectly labelled with ADHD. On the other hand, many children who do have ADHD remain undiagnosed. Reading, doing math, and writing letters may be tough for lots of kids at first. But when those early troubles don't fade away, and it's really difficult to make any progress, it's possible the kid has a learning disability. As with students' reading disabilities, when math difficulties are present, they range from mild to severe. Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is the most commonly diagnosed behavioural disorder of childhood. It is diagnosed much more often in boys than in girls. Most children with ADHD also have at least one other developmental or behavioural problem. Learning disabilities are lifelong conditions. they aren't contagious, but they can be genetic. Someone with a learning disability probably has other family members who have had some learning troubles, too. Language ignorance is the biggest barrier in learning Math. One should be able to interpret the language in the question correctly before deciding the action to solve it. A child with a math–based learning disorder may struggle with memorization and organization of numbers, operation signs, and number “facts”, concepts, rules, formulas, sequences, and procedures, have difficulty keeping score in a game. Children with math learning disorders might also have trouble with counting principles or have difficulty telling time. Difficulty in memorizing number facts, arithmetic weakness or severe lack of math talent, not understanding the math language, lack of spatial ability to understand math, problems in understanding content from reference books and study material are some of the math-based learning disabilities. Learning disabilities in writing can involve the physical act of writing or the mental activity of comprehending and synthesizing information. Basic writing disorder refers to physical difficulty forming words and letters. Expressive writing disability indicates a struggle to organize thoughts on paper. If either the eyes or the ears aren’t working properly, learning can suffer and there is a greater likelihood of a learning disability or disorder. People with an attention deficit or concentration disorder cannot tune out distractions that others may barely notice. A child with a learning disability cannot try harder, pay closer attention, or improve motivation on their own; they need help to learn how to do those things. A learning disability, or learning disorder, is not a problem with intelligence. Learning disorders are caused by a difference in the brain that affects how information is received, processed, or communicated. Children and adults with learning disabilities have trouble processing sensory information because they see, hear, and understand things differently. under the right learning conditions, the brain has the ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections. Those new connections facilitate skills like reading and writing that had been difficult using the old connections. Many teenagers have struggled for years with a learning disability, oftentimes without parents or teachers recognizing the issue. Without proper intervention, these teens often end up frustrated and work far below their abilities. This leads to a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. Adolescents with learning disabilities learn best when their class work is structured for them on an individual basis. Unfortunately, when learning disabilities go unrecognized, teachers and parents often label these students as "lazy" or "incapable," and the teen will often meet these low expectations in response. Teens with learning disabilities are often bright, creative, and capable, but have neurological issues that impact performance in certain areas, such as reading, math, or social skills. The child might perform exceptionally well in one area, but underachieve in another. These disparities in performance often frustrate and confuse parents and teachers. They cannot understand how a child so capable in one area of his or her life has so much difficulty in another area. If teachers and parents do not properly identify the learning disability, such adolescents can "fall through the cracks" of the traditional education system. Everyone faces obstacles and the most important thing you can show your child, apart from your consistent love and support, is how to deal with obstacles. A good attitude won’t solve the problem, but it can give your child hope and confidence that things can improve. For all children, but especially those with learning disabilities, social and emotional skills are the most consistent indicators of success, outweighing everything else, including academic factors. When you discover that your child has a learning disability, it can be shocking and intimidating. All children can be both exhilarating and exhausting, but it may seem that your child with a learning disability is especially so. You may experience some frustration trying to work with your child, and it can seem like an uphill battle when you don’t have the information you need. It's important to gain and keep a clear perspective. Academic challenges may lead to low self–esteem, withdrawal and behaviour problems, but you can counter these things by creating a strong support system for your child and helping them learn to express themselves, deal with frustration and work through challenges. the child just learns differently than others. The trick will be figuring out how your child learns best and identify what the child's strengths are — what he is good at! Set specific, appropriate target goals to guide therapy, Systematic follow-up is important to regularly reassess target goals results and behaviour therapy should be started. One common approach recommended by many experts in the field is the CSA sequence: from concrete, to semi concrete, to abstract. The use of manipulative is also encouraged. If tutoring can take place in a private room, he can learn without interruption and without the stigma of feeling that she is being judged. often, kids with learning disabilities can continue in their regular classrooms and there's no reason they can't do normal stuff, like participate in school activities and sports. If he can learn to use drawing to express math, he may grasp concepts more easily. Exercises that include memory aids and thinking strategies might also be useful. his progress will be slow but steady, and his fear of math should gradually diminish. he needs to work with manipulative so he can use his tactile senses rather than depending upon reading, by breaking down problems into step-by-step sequences. he might pair a volunteer tutor and use math videotapes and drill and practice activities. Then there is the Math Program which is not recommended for reading and/or spelling difficulties. the step to master maths skills must be done in a sequential fashion. in case of math, a child first has to learn the foundational skills of math, like visual perception, visual memory, and logical thinking. One has to learn to count before it becomes possible to learn to add and subtract. Suppose one tried to teach a child, who had not yet learned to count, to add and subtract. This would be quite impossible and no amount of effort would ever succeed in teaching the child these skills. Some learning disabled students have an excellent grasp of math concepts, but are inconsistent in calculating. They are reliably unreliable at paying attention to the operational sign, at borrowing or carrying appropriately, and at sequencing the steps in complex operations. These same students also may experience difficulty mastering basic number facts. Interestingly, some of the students with these difficulties may be remedial math students during the elementary years when computational accuracy is heavily stressed, but can go on to join honours classes in higher math where their conceptual prowess is called for. Students with writing disorders are often encouraged to keep a journal—a daily record of their activities. They often find it easier to express their thoughts by using a computer rather than paper and pencil. Children with mathematical disorders are often given number problems from everyday life. For example, they are taught how to balance a check book or compare prices on a shopping trip. NOTE: not all children with learning disabilities are "gifted". Many gifted and talented children (and adults) are often misdiagnosed as having learning disabilities or behaviour disorders. This occurs because there are many characteristics of gifted children, both social and emotional, that are mistaken as symptoms of specific learning disorders. Often gifted children have unusual learning styles, and even though they are very intelligent, they may also have learning disorders. Depression removes us from comfort zone and entangled us in the cobweb of lonesome world. Escape puts us in a comfort zone only temporarily. This time my mind did not let go of depression, my anxiety got worse and I was overwhelmed with stress. When you cannot flee or flight, one may just freeze, feel dizziness and have sleep issues. It turns out my subconscious mind was forcing me to face my repressed trauma. My mind and body stopped responding and I failed to do even the most basic things. I spend hours lying on the floor. When you are surviving your life, each small step that seems to come so easily to most human beings feel like the hardest task you have ever had to do. At every step there are multiple thoughts of why I should just retreat back to isolation where I feel safest and forget about making any attempts. Everything is no joy, no ease and no hope. Heaviness on my heart, heaviness in my head, a black and dark sadness in my eyes and soul. The self-hate, the doom, the hopelessness feels all too familiar, and that is not a good thing because it makes me realize my quality of life is really not that great. Many of our current issues, have its roots hidden in our early childhood. One way to resolve deep resentments, bubbling under the surface, since the time you are 4 years to 7 years old, is to by going through this process. You have to close your eyes and imagine that your child self was on the other side of an imaginary door. Then you have open the door and walk to meet your child self. Then you have to try to talk to your child self with love. First time I tried, I failed to talk to my child self. Then I came back home and slept on it. I then started thinking why this simple task was so difficult for me. We generally forget that there is a valuable, worthy human being behind the inappropriate behavior. When we are focused on only treating behavior, we may be quick to dole out punishments or use shaming tactics to gain compliance. Shame has long been wielded as a powerful tool to modify a child’s behavior. When made to feel unworthy, children will usually try harder to please their parents, giving the illusion that it’s “working,” but those feelings of worthlessness cause deep scars which can take a lifetime to heal. Children who are compared with other children because they didn't get good marks in school sometimes grow up feeling that they are “fooling people” and express fear that they’ll be “found out” when they enjoy success in the world. The devil on their shoulders convincing them that they don't measure up. The maternal voice in their head will continue to undermine them, telling them that they aren't — smart, beautiful, kind, loving, worthy. Shame causes people to withdraw from relationships, to become isolated, and they compensate for deep feelings of shame with attitudes of superiority, bullying, self-deprecation, or obsessive perfectionism. When shame has been severe, it can contribute to mental illness. Children who live in houses, where they see parents verbally abusing each other because of money feel scared and need reassurance. Children who were made to feel unlovable can carry that pain throughout their lives, and into every relationship. They are armoured and detached, perhaps defensively, or they become “pleasers” in adult relationships, not being able to say ‘no’ wanting a relationship so intense that the other person backs off. Alas, both types aren’t able to get the kind of emotional connection. They are afraid of intimacy on all levels; they are intensely vulnerable, and tend to be clingy and dependent. They oversensitive (about things real and imagined), overthinking everything and make avoidance the default position. In this global selfie culture we live in, talking about depression is considered something ugly. Once verbalized, it becomes a stigma. Depression IS a stigma no matter how many suffer from it. No matter how many speak about it. Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in. I didn't invent my severe anxiety illness like people don't invent their bad health. Many suffer from constant fatigue that is not relieved by rest and sleep. Bit no one really cares one way or another, unless you ruin the morning announcements with a suicide. We know so little about consciousness and will probably never fully understand it. Because psyche constitutes our identity, a problem with it seems to strike at the very core of what we think we are. Some signs are : You may also notice that normal tasks seem hard to focus on, you are more forgetful, you forget things that you normally wouldn't, or you have difficulty forming thoughts or carrying on conversations. My Driver of Anxiety: Trying Too Hard - instead of Doing Enough & moving on. Persistent anxiety can be rooted from real (e.g. dog-bites) or unconscious fear even if there is no danger. When anxiety occurs, unconsciously, the mind keeps working without resting and defence mechanisms are automatically triggered (directly builds up hostility and aggressiveness behaviour). When you cannot flee or flight, one may just freeze, feel dizziness and have sleep issues. Empathy, understanding, acceptance, and unconditional positive regard are all necessary but not sufficient. With chronic stress + un-processed trauma, we end up stuck in "polyvagal" states, meaning the body can't return back to balance (homeostasis). So we start experiencing symptoms that come from chronic nervous system dysregulation like: anxiety, panic, depression, addiction, "mood swings." These are mistaken as mental disorders. I realised I had not thought about my childhood days for a long time. Now I was forced to go back to remember how much I hated those days as a child. So, next time when I tried, I was able to connect and talk to my child self in a sincere and friendly way; and that pain and anger was still inside me. After that, my head felt lighter, and I was able to do regular things again. I understood her therapy was working. She explained why my depression and anxiety come to the surface, and I can learn to overcome it by giving attention to the root cause. I had a choice of either not learning and repeating this pattern, which will only get worse, or I can slowly overcome it in time if you understand and learn to keep myself healthy.
I have to now practice how to be child-like open and curious so that I can progress in personal and professional life, but also when to not get affected by negativity by being a good protective parent. To do that, I have to regularly built the habit of checking and approving my own feelings with love in order to strengthen my self-esteem. I’ve also learned that how we react to events is far more important than what actually happens to us. Anxiety deserves greater dignity. It is not a sign of sickness, a weakness of the mind or an error to which we should always locate a medical solution. It is mostly a hugely reasonable and sensitive response to the genuine strangeness, terror, uncertainty and riskiness of existence. The mood is no sign that our lives have gone wrong, merely that we are alive. We should also be more careful when pursuing things we imagine will spare us anxiety. We can pursue them by all means, but for other reasons than fantasies of calm – and with a little less vigour and a little more skepticism. We will still be anxious when we finally have the house, the love affair and the money. As we age, our bodies change. These changes impact the length and quality of our sleep. As we age, our bodies secrete less of two important sleep hormones: melatonin and growth hormone. Without good sleep, brain functions 40% less at work and increases depression, anxiety and obesity. You are also unfocused and forgetful. You not only lose control over your mood but also the ability to pay attention, solve problems and be creative. It becomes dangerous for everyone on the road since it gets hard to remain alert and responsive (especially, like me, if you have to ride a bike to get to work). Its as dangerous as driving while drunk beyond the legal limit. If you had 4 or 5 hours of sleep, then you need 2 weeks of good sleep to recover. There comes a time when, one by one, all your friends leave and go on to build their own family in different places. Without a support base of family or friends, the stress got the better of me. Slowly, you are only busy with work and there are no longer any friends around. Depression leads to uncontrollable anxiety, insecurity, lack of confidence and procrastination. This energy, life-sucking condition has its stronghold on people like us. Disorders, Disabilities Tips & Basics A solution example, in detail: Take brushing your teeth- break it down into small steps and think of one thing at a time.
It's not entirely clear why some people develop but body-focused repetitive behaviors tend to begin during adolescence, they can start at any time, including childhood. Skin-picking disorder BFRBs, is behaviors cause clinically significant distress or interfere with daily functioning. Many of us believe, falsely, that the behavior is uncommon. Some are driven by personal beliefs, like the thought that pulling or picking may make an area smoother. And sometimes when sufferers pull or pick, they don't even notice that they're doing it. The behaviors can also become more focused and routine because of the immense satisfaction or relief that they bring. "It's not just a bad habit, something you could stop if you just tried hard enough," she says. "I almost feel like there is some kind of electrical buzz in me that it helps discharge. And living with that buzz is intolerable." Go for a mood disorders/borderline personality/bipolar disorder (what kind?) checkup. Many children who actually have this condition have been incorrectly diagnosed with ADHD because the official guidelines for diagnosing bipolar disorder outline criteria based on classic adult symptoms. Bipolar I Disorder is a life-long disease and runs in families. About half of all patients with Bipolar I Disorder have one parent who also has a mood disorder, usually Major Depressive Disorder. (Acceptance of the illness is the first and major hurdle in treatment. People who have not experienced quality psychotherapy tend to think of it as a sort of "pep talk" providing motivation without substance, or perhaps a mystical or metaphysical sort of process. These are mistaken impressions, however. Receiving effective bipolar treatment psychotherapy is about being instructed or coached in methods of effective coping with bipolar symptoms in a non-judgmental environment. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the dominant psychotherapy bipolar treatment available today, is based on the premise that many (but certainly not all) mood problems are based less on physical brain problems, and more on habitually dysfunctional ways that people learn to appraise and interpret stressful events occurring in their lives. The types can be mild level to moderate level to high level to specific illness due to extreme level: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive. Treatments: (1) psychoeducation, (2) cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), (3) family focused therapy (FFT), and (4) interpersonal and social rhythm therapy (IPSRT). Some people emerge from their experiences with bipolar disorder with deep questions about who they are and what has happened to their lives. What choices were "real," and which were influenced by mania or depression? When mood swings stabilize and life is more predictable from one day to the next, some patients struggle with issues of identity.) The main cause of memory loss is a hormone known as cortisol. It's the hormone released during stress, which is why those with severe anxiety (and ultimately severe stress) are more at risk for developing memory loss problems. The longer you deal with anxiety, the more cortisol you'll have in your system, and that means that you're more likely to continue to suffer from memory loss in the future. But cortisol is not the only culprit, there is sleep loss and social reasons etc. Memory loss may be its own cause of anxiety. Some signs are : You may also notice that normal tasks seem hard to focus on, you are more forgetful, you forget things that you normally wouldn't, or you have difficulty forming thoughts or carrying on conversations. But Professor Andrew Scull of Princeton, has explained that attributing depression to spontaneously low serotonin is “deeply misleading and unscientific”. Dr David Healy said: “There was never any basis for it, ever. It was just marketing copy.” Melatonin is important because changes in the level of this hormone control our sleep cycle. With less melatonin, many older adults feel sleepy in the early evening and wake up in the early morning. They also may have more trouble falling asleep. Growth hormone is what makes children sleep so deeply. As we age, our body secretes less of this hormone and deep sleep becomes more difficult. Theory of Our Defence Mechanisms
Healthy persons normally use different defences throughout life. An ego defence mechanism becomes pathological only when its persistent use leads to maladaptive behaviour such that the physical and/or mental health of the individual is adversely affected. The purpose of the Ego Defence Mechanisms is to protect the mind/self/ego from anxiety, social sanctions or to provide a refuge from a situation with which one cannot currently cope. Borderline personality organization develops when the child cannot integrate positive and negative mental objects together. In the ego, there are two ongoing processes. First, there is the conscious secondary process, where strong boundaries are set and thoughts must be organized in a coherent way. By contrast, there is the unconscious primary process, where the thoughts are not organized in a coherent way, the feelings can shift, contradictions are not in conflict or are just not perceived that way, and condensations arise. There is no logic and no time line. Lust is important for this process.
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June 2020
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