Spirituality means:
What is Good Connection & Attachment? Most people have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. I didn't. I made lots of unhealthy connections. No one tells you these things.
Salaam, I am not mad at you. Should I be? Maybe I am a bit angry. I don't know why. Maybe its because I feel alive when I am angry, otherwise I feel like my life is like someone sitting near a grave. I do not know how to grief when something has ended. Should I pretend and talk about stuff that will take your mind off instead? Do not worry about me. I only thank the powers that are, that I met you. I still cannot figure out why we click. You made me come alive when I did not believe I could. Everyone is sad when something comes to its end. Some people cry and then feel better. I don't want us to end but make a new beginning. I'll always think good of you where ever I am. Everything that has a beginning also has an end. That's the cycle of life, so don't feel one bit sad. You will be just fine, with or without me; and the same for me too. So don't try to hold on. You shouldn't hold on. I love you and I always will. Please don't make this harder than it is for yourself. I can't bear the thought that, you keep thinking of me and are feeling sad. You are a good person and good things will happen to you. But don't expect life to be fair. We know it isn't. I am here, for now, listening to you .... far away in body but not in my heart. yours, (2007) Romantic love is temporary. Sharing experiences of daily struggles in life, can grow a love, with the right person. I think we specifically seek out or choose partners, who often appear to possess, a part of our lost self. We often become attracted to people, who were hurt at the same point and had failed to healthy responses. Instead of looking for a partner, I must grow those parts in me that I had sought in a partner.I told you I am very bad at explaining anything in simple words. You have been so liberal and so accommodating that I am really amazed, but I guess it is my own battle for now. I want to eradicate all doubts and the feeling of unsettlement. I am very happy that I am able to express to you all that I feel, I know you understand. I sincerely hope you don't think I am crazy, (well I don't think I am). Whenever I see you, my eyes can scan right inside you, confirming every time how pure, real and simple you are. ... and about the conversation we had yesterday, my sincere concern was "you would run away from situations rather than confronting them". It was not about getting worried about our future together. As to how I would get in touch with you, if it was urgent, when you switch off your phone. I thought about it, and as I too received my first mobile phone only recently, so I think I too would have argued the same way as you did. You know I have never come across any of my friends who have lived most of their lives away from family, in hostels, except for two and they are both very very different. Nothing like you and that is what I like, though, when it educates me for the very first time, I get all jittery making my own assumptions about the future. I am loving the fact that I am learning about you; and yes, loving you every time I know you even better. I also love you more when I tell my friends about the new beginning in my life. I am sorry that I am harsh with you, I have never mastered how to talk politely as well as you have, and hence I am very blunt and don't manage to use my words carefully. Hope you accept every word I have written with sincerity, from the depths of my heart. (2015) Feeling scared is okay. Everyone is allowed to feel scared but the more you duck those tough decisions, the more fear gets the better of you, and adds toxicity to our relationship. I feel we should focus more on the connection and intimacy between us. I make a strong distinction between the problem and the person. No matter how many times I turn inside out and relinquish the sanctity in my life, you seem to have no Empathy for me. Mutual respect is important to me. Without Empathy for each other, there can be no future where love can survive. I don't want to create ill-logical expectations, about our future. We cannot have expectations that make the other person feel stupid and helpless. I only hope we can both find the courage to follow what we want from each other. Attraction and friendship are like bricks in a foundation. We must fill up this trust gap that's between us, and give it time, before we can build over it. Otherwise, the foundation will be weak and unable to carry the stress on it and crumble. Sometimes I feel, we should go and have a secret wedding, and people won't know about it. I think I am trying to run away. Sometimes I don't want a wedding, just want to come stay with you. I just want to be free. Ankur please pray for me. You have a special grace. How can I let you go? I cannot stop to think how incredible you are. I am very sorry to have put you through all this. I know my sorry means nothing if I am not going to be able to make it up to you, and you who have been so understanding. I see a divine grace in your life. I have failed you and lost that which held us together. GOD HELP ME. GOD HELP US. I am devastated too. I am trying to read up and seek some understanding for my state of mind. Give me some time please. I respect you and I promise this would not take long. I don't know how to tell you how grateful I am for you. I have really put you through a lot of tests and you have shone every time. It is true, I am feeling unsettled, when it comes to the reality of marriage. I wonder what's my plan? I can't keep feeling like this. I thought this feeling of being afraid will pass, and its something everyone goes through it. But, baby, its been eating me, that's why I had to tell you about it yesterday. You have to also know that you are one of the most liberal and respectful person I have met. Hats off to you for that!!! I like you a lot, many many things about you, you for being you, so real and comforting with your actions and especially with your words. I have learnt so much from you, in this short time. There is nothing to complain about you, except when you go inside your shell, which I am getting used to. My heart goes out to you. God bless you It's not easy to fail again or be wounded again and still keep trying to get into new relationships, without having the fear of failing or being wounded. Everyone should want healthy relationships. However, unresolved trauma makes it difficult. It is harder to increase your control power, by allowing your own triggers but not reacting to. It's also difficult not to judge. A common 'fantasy' of a romantic partner is someone who is into you, regardless of your faults and insecurities.
I have so little energy these days, feel physically & emotionally unsteady. I cannot even think. I don't like playing mind games. Let me put your mind to rest. Do not to worry, I don't hate you. I sometimes wish you could do something to change all that is happening. But shit happens. Maybe someday, you and I can become friends, who knows? Its rare to fall in love. Protect it like a living thing, specially from the devil in your head. Fight to keep that light glowing. It's worth the work. If love gets burned out or gets soaked with sadness, than there is nothing anyone can do anymore but to move on. Things will get easier with each passing day. I understand and know why you do it. If you can't find worth in self than you cannot give love. However, I don't want to go dark in my mind. I need time to be with people who are kind to me. We both are better than this. It's all going to work out for the best in the end. I love you more earnestly than ever before. I find my inspiration and solace in you. I have been blessed with the best. You used to say it, but I strongly feel it now and no one can take that away from me. There has been no one as precious as you, this is something I have never said to anyone all my life. I miss you a lot but I have to let you go. You deserve better than this. God bless, love, strength and unity to follow your dreams. P.S. I hope we can speak again. If you need any assistance or help, I will willingly try my best to do it. (2016) The despair that you have faced is not just yours alone. This weak feeling, in my case, is familiar to me as I go through the motions. Once it's over it, I hope I can go back to being normal. You can say its destiny but deep down there is a straight-forward answer that deep down we realise that we are not right companions for each other. This is the heavy burden which I cannot wish away. We both need our space and do our own thing (That's why I thought that you and I were similar). I don't want to be depended, nor do I want you to cling to me. Only you can rescue yourself. I am not angry any more that you pushed me hard, only to see our relationship and, particularly me, fail. It broke my heart, I felt ugly and unworthy. I was devastated. I don't like being so powerless. This is not where I wish to be. I do know where I am not appreciated. The joy in our relationship has evaporated. You don't share my dreams. I know now, that my soul, will not fit with all types of soul. It's my problem. I have many questions to which I don't see answers, from where I see no light. I was trying to figure out ways of living with someone (in this case 'you') and dealing with your mental health, while I don't loose mine. And I wondered, how to go about it. I am really scared, anything I say, may have repercussions on your healing. I know that your childhood has a big impact on your current life, I really hope you overcome it and don't feel so burdened about it. After almost three months of contemplation, I realised it was our conditions put together (my physical and your mental) that was going to be a tough task to handle; not only for me but for you as well. As much as I want it, there are forces stopping me. It's like a wise and experienced sage telling me to stop going ahead. I am desperately searching for stability in terms of finding my place. I feel quite aimless. I feel something I have never felt ever before in my life. I am struggling to control my bad thoughts. I can only imagine how much more difficult, it must have been for you. I try hard to figure out why. I don't see any light, the answers too are hidden. I really don't know what to say. You continue to be in my prayers. Take care. Although, I have never been invested in The Godfather or Snyder's Justice League. I have watched BBC Pride and Prejudice many times. I can relate to the Ken who can't do flips, from the film Barbie, directed by Greta Gerwig. Everyone loves Ken. But he misses Barbie. He feels so ashamed that he looks stupid for failing, after trying so hard to be with the one he loves. Ken does not get to be together with Barbie forever. Barbie doesn't fight for Ken. Ken needs to be free from all the will-be/should-be relationship drama and suffering. I fear becoming the old person who hate everyone.
Poem I wrote during high school:-
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorI am interested in unfolding scene design, character design and image design; representing contemporary narrative strategy, narrative shot and narrative style. The flowing images, which combine aesthetics and ideology. NoticeThis site contains copyrighted material for purposes that constitutes 'fair use'; and has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. No fee is charged, and no money is made off this site. If you wish to use this copyrighted material for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use,' you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
CategoriesArchives
June 2020
|